Just In Case You Missed It

[alano@teleport.com (Alan Olsen)]

>Date: Sun, 11 Sep 1994 18:33:16 -0700
>From: Bruce Baugh <bruceab@teleport.com>
>To: alano@teleport.com
>Subject: Just In Case You Missed It
>
>
>>Path: 
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>>From: acbul1@penfold.cc.monash.edu.au (Andrew Bulhak)
>>Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet
>>Subject: [alt.discordia] "official" Discordian secret code
>>Followup-To: alt.humor.best-of-usenet.d
>>Date: 12 Sep 1994 01:09:02 GMT
>>Organization: best of usenet humor
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>>Originator: doug@unix1.cc.ysu.edu
>
>From: snorri@nwu.edu (Snorri Abrahamsen)
>Newsgroups: alt.discordia
>Subject: "official" Discordian secret code
>
>
>  In these days of NSA and Clipper and Key/Escrow and PGP and Wilkesman
>Kid Ranger Decoder Rings, it seems one of the things most on everyone's
>collective hive-like minds must be security.  Security and privacy, make
>that.
>  Now Discordians have always had a versatile and powerful secret code,
>one that has defied the efforts of the world's greatest spy-masters and
>crypto-fiends to crack for countless centuries (or at least since 1962 or
>so).  It goes like this:
>
>  A  B  C  D  E  F  G  H  I  J  K  L  M  N  O  P  Q  R  S  T  U  V  W  X  Y  Z
>  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
>
>  It's a damn fine code, and whoever invented it should get a big gold
>star, lots of LDD medals, and a beefy slap on the ass for good effort and
>sheer genius.  But I'm afraid that now I have some *SHOCKING NEWS*!
>
>  I have reason to believe that the Discordian secret code has been
>_compromised_.  You know, "Loose lips sink ships" and all that, right? 
>(Or is it, "Loose lips sink Golden Apple Corps"?  I'm never sure...). 
>Well, it was worse than loose lips.  It is my suspiscion that some
>traitorous Discordian actually gave the code to the NSA.
>
>  What to do now for all your Discordian encryption needs?  I mean, it
>would now be insanely dangerous (or at least not very private) to use the
>old encryption scheme.
>
>  I therefore propose creating a new Discordian secret code, perhaps based
>on a cypher model (where each character is represented by some word),
>although other models might work really well, too.  Anyway, here's a start
>to a Discordian cypher...
>
>  A Andersianism
>  B Quasimodo
>  C yorba linda
>  D colostomy
>  E chao
>  F mojo
>
>etc...
>
>  This is a fun scheme because the utter apparent randomness of it.  Or at
>least it seems random...  Anyway, it's probably not the best possible
>scheme for a Discordian Secret Code.  Here's are some alternate schemes I
>had for encoding messages:
>
>  * Implosion Method.  Write message on lightbulb.  Implode lightbulb. 
>Recipient then reverses time continuum and grabs pre-imploded lightbulb
>from alternate timeline, reads message, and tosses back for implosion
>before anybody notices.
>  Advantages:  NSA Clipper plans (oddly enough) do not extend as far as
>including key/escrow chips in all time travel devices.
>  Disadvantages:  Useless against the Great Race of Yith.
>
>  * St. Gulik Method.   Write the message in radioactive ink on box paste
>and feed to specially trained homing cockroaches.  Release the homing
>cockroaches to skitter home.  Reassemble message from roach entrails.
>  Advantages:  Enemy cryptographers don't like touching roaches.
>  Disadvantages:  Kills the roaches; difficult to train them to go home.
>
>  * O'Leary's Cow Method.   Write message on paper and burn to ashes. 
>Send ashes to recipient.
>  Advantages:  No way for enemy to decode message.
>  Disadvantages:  No way for recipient to decode message.
>
>  * Formless Spawn Method.   Write message on outer surface of trained
>Shoggoth in really strong permanent ink.  As Shoggoth moves, message will
>be scrambled on its surface.  With the proper command word, recipient can
>command shoggoth to assume original form(lessness), descrambling the
>message.
>  Advantages:  Message devours any enemy crytographer who tries to decode it.
>  Disadvantages:  No good if recipient fails sanity check.
>
>
>  Any other suggestions for good encryption schemes would be welcome...
>I'm beginning to feel insecure already, as well as a little on the insane
>side (you try training a shoggoth to act as your message-pod...)
>
>
>--
>Postings to alt.humor.best-of-usenet reflect what the submittor considers to be
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>-- 
>/-------------------------------------------------------------------------\
>|bruceab@teleport.com   Bruce Baugh, thoroughly unaffiliated with Teleport|
>|   "An' besides you IS a rabbit." "Not a 'nothing-BUT-a-rabbit', tho'."  |
>\-------------------------------------------------------------------------/ 
>
>
|"I would call him a Beastialic Sadomasochistic   | alano@teleport.com   |
|Necrophile but that would be beating a dead      | Disclaimer:          |
|horse." -- Teriyaki (What's up Tiger Lily?)      | Ignore the man       |  
|   -- PGP 2.61 key available on request --       |  behind the keyboard.|