Self-service computers

[Ben.Goren@asu.edu]

A friend of mine forwarded this to me; I couldn't resist forwarding it to
the list.

b&
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Date: 4 JAN 1995 16:32:23 -0500
From: Kay Lukens <klukens@halcyon.com>
Newgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet
Subject: [pdx.general] Re: Keep self-service COMPUTERS out of Oregon!

From: keithl@chip.klic.rain.com (Keith Lofstrom)
Newsgroups: pdx.general,or.politics
Subject: Re: Keep self-service COMPUTERS out of Oregon!

It has been pointed out by the stalwart defenders of our rights (to be told
what to do) that self-service for gasoline is a Bad Thing.  We are assured
by many of the same people that self-service for pharmaceuticals, personal
defense, transportation, and education are also Bad Things.  Other folks,
nominally their political competitors (in the same sense that Burgerville
and Burger King are competitors) assure us that self-service in personal
morality is an *extremely* Bad Thing.  And look at what happened to
Joycelin Elders when she suggested self-service for sex...

>From this, we must conclude that self-service is in itself highly suspicious.
Look at self-service grocery stores - all the time people are buying things
that are bad for them.  Self-service entertainment has resulted in Beavis
and Butthead.  And look at the way many computer professionals dress - if
this is not an indictment of self-service apparel, what is?

However, in the finest tradition of bureaucratic micromanagement, we as
computer professionals are not qualified to even consider these effects
on other aspects of Society.  Such thoughts must be reserved for Wiser
Heads Than Ours (unless of course the subject is economics or nuclear
power, in which case Our Opinions Count).

No, we as computer professionals must confine our thoughts to
self-service as it affects us - through our flagrant, dangerous,
and socially irresponsible use of Self-Service Computers!


Self-Service Computers:  Threat or Menace?

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.  Backaches.  Obesity.  Bleeding Piles.  Bill
Gates and Steve Jobs.  Computers are a known health threat.  Reputed
Scientific Journals, such as the National Enquirer, are full of stories
of people being turned into three-headed cabbages by Nucular Radiation
from video displays.

It is obvious that the average computer professional, while quite able
to find obscure flaws in Pentiums or the secret levels in Doom, is a
helpless incompetent when it comes to actually typing on or reading from
personal computers.  We get so caught up in our alleged thinking that
we don't notice our bodies turning into rickety tubs of cancerous
lard.  We Need Help!

Meanwhile, the Great Unwashed Masses are being deprived access to
the Information Super Duper Highway.  Confined to low paying jobs
as sanitation workers or Congressional Representatives, these poor
wretches are unable to share in this cornucopia of undocumented,
virus-ridden software, poorly informed opinion, and stolen pornography
that we call the Internet.  These outcasts of the information age
must fritter away their time which such mind-numbing activities as
outdoor sports, rampant sex, and junkets to the Caribbean.

When these people accidentally find their way onto the Internet, perhaps
by mistakenly sending their rent check to America On Line, they begin
posting meaningless, inappropriate drivel such as spam advertisements
for shady lawyers, or actual referenced facts from original sources,
violating the hallowed traditions of the Internet.  While all citizens
must have access to the Net, LET'S NOT GET CARRIED AWAY HERE.


What Should We Do?  (That is, how can we find new excuses to control
other people with minority opinions?)


The only solution is to ELIMINATE self-service computers!  Every computer
in the State of Oregon *must* be operated by THREE OR MORE people - one
to do the thinking, one to do the typing, and one to read the screen -
preferably through a foot of leaded glass!  Think of all the jobs this
would create!  Not only would we have jobs for all the new operators
themselves, we could create vast new bureaucracies to insure that the
operators are specially trained, certified, and licensed!  Computer
Cops could roam the streets, equipped with special Jolt-sniffing dogs,
breaking down the doors of self-service scofflaws!  Pizza delivery
drivers would find new income and respect by turning in their hacker
clients!  Elizabeth Furse, famous for not reading her own email and for
having flunkies type in press releases, will become our shining symbol
of the new, socially responsible computer age!

You can help.  Send your checks to C.A.S.H., the Committee to Abolish
Selfservice Hardware, care of me (thnx Frank).  I will see that your
donation gets the attention it deserves.

And on behalf of all of us here at C.A.S.H. (Arnold who handles the left
side of the keyboard, Julia the right side, Millie the punctuation,
Sam who reads the verbs, Trevor who reads the nouns, and our shop
steward Penny, who is lobbying for a government grant to bring in a
mentally-challenged lesbian vegetarian special needs hispanic-surnamed
person of color to watch the blinky lights on the modem) may you have
an appropriate and socially enlightening seasonal celebration!

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Ben.Goren@asu.edu, Arizona State University School of Music
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