Cypherpunk Enquirer

[anon-remailer@utopia.hacktic.nl (Name Withheld by Request)]

			THE CYPHERPUNK ENQUIRER

                   "Encyphering minds want to know."


Lotus Development, a division of IBM, today announced a new, "international"
version of its popular "Lotus Notes" program.  The new program features,
in addition to the standard 40 bit RC4 encoding allowed in exportable
software by the ITAR, the use of the proven Unix (tm) encryption program,
ROT 13.  "Now our international customers can use the same, tamper-proof
encryption standards that our domestic customers already enjoy," stated
an IBM spokesperson, who was reportedly whisked to the Mayo Clinic for
nose reduction surgery.  In related news, the International Society for
the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals announced that the new Lotus Notes
International does allow the snakes to move more easily and freely, and
that it virtually eliminates that irritating squeaking sound when they
shed their skins.

In related medical news, proctologists at the Bethesda Naval Clinic reported
that, despite 12 hour emergency surgery, Louis Freeh's head remains firmly
stuck.  The Center for Disease Control in Altanta has also reported that
Mr. Freeh's condition is evidently highly contagious, as he has reportedly
infected noted cryptographic researcher Dorothy Denning during a late night
strategy session in Washington.  CDC spokespersons also recommended that
people avoid personal contact with David Sternlight for at least the next
48 hours.

The FBI today announced the arrest of Timothy May on child pornography 
charges after an unnamed 13 year old FBI informant downloaded a .GIF of
Mr. May naked in a hot tub at a recent 'cypherpunks' Christmas party.  Mr.
May, who is already under investigation by the SEC in the Netscape stock
manipulation scandal, has referred all questions to his attorney.  The FBI's
attention was apparently drawn to the case when the 13 year old informant
in question was heard to exclaim, "What's this naked hippie doing in my
Penthouse downloads?"

Matt Blaze today announced a new Random Number Generator based on President
Clinton's Bosnia policy speeches of the last year.  Mr. Blaze stated that
each of the President's speeches was yielding at least 1024 bits of pure
entropy, and that when added to the 512 bits of entropy found in each of
Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich's policy papers on the Internet, should
be enough to encypher an average household's grocery shopping over the
Internet for at least a month.

In related RNG news, University of California at Berkeley officials today
confirmed that the campus's new symbol, the glow-in-the-dark Campanile, was
actually the result of graduate student Ian Goldberg's attemps to hook the
Lawrence Laboratory Bevatron up to his Unix workstation to use as a Random
Number Generator.

Noted anti-conspiracy lecturer Perry Metzger was hired today by Hillary
Clinton's defense team.  "He's done a great job on cypherpunks, let's see
what he can do with the U.S. Senate," one of her lawyers stated at today's
press conference.

Jeff Weinstein of Netscape Communications today announced the long awaited
128 bit RC4 encryption Netscape Navigator for the Linux operating system.
The new kit, consisting of a standard 2.05b binary, a disassembler, and
a copy of "The C Programming Language" by Kernighan and Ritchie, should be
available later this week.  "This new kit should enable the average Linux
user to enjoy the same level of Internet security that our Windoze users
have, without violation of the International Trafficking in Armaments
Regulations," stated Mr. Weinstein, "and will be made available to anyone
free of charge who appears at our Mountain View offices with a U.S. pass-
port, a birth certificate, a valid driver's license, two credit cards,
and his or her Social Security Number tattooed on their upper left forearm."
Alex de Joode announced that the kit had been available for the past week
on ftp.hacktic.nl as /pub/linux/crypto/up.your.netscape.

Lucky Green, spokesperson for the Mark Twain Bank, today announced the
first truly anonymous 10 cents off coupon for the Internet.

Attila was detained for 72 hours at the Swiss border while customs 
officials determined that an egg salad sandwich found in his luggage was
indeed made of chicken eggs and was not harboring any biological weapons
or contagious neurotoxins.

Reliable sources reported today that the NSA has purchased a




        absolutely no intention of engaging in domestic surveillance
or censorship."