'Virus Alert!' or 'Re:Stan the Savior?'

[StanSquncr <StanSquncr@aol.com>]

whgiii@invweb.net - << Yes Stan and you are here to "save" us all. >>

If you look up in your definition of the word "save", maybe, EXCEPT, there's
bound to be at least a couple of people on this list that don't need saving.
;-)

But really, what I'm here to save, is your computers -
========
Subj:  What if -
God and SuperMan got into a fight - no, I found this on a Rush newsgroup -
-----------------------------
Subject: If Rush was a computer virus...
From: lotus@hogpe.ho.att.com (-R.CAPIK)
Date: 21 Mar 1996 17:16:10 GMT

What if there was a Rush Limbaugh computer virus. What might it do? What about
some other political figures... ?

Ron Capik [aka: the NJ Editorial Minstrel ]
-----------
Forbes virus:       Makes all your programs give 17% of their resources back
to your system. We have no idea what the system will do with the resources.
(Only applies to earned resources.)  At a cost of millions (in un-earned
resources), the virus runs for a short time then quits.  <see Perot virus>

Buchanan virus:     All your icons move to the far right of your screen.

Bill Clinton virus: Your pointer jumps back and forth across the middle of the
screen, seems to drift to the left and you can't seem to pick any programs. If
you have a sound card you may hear the sound of rushing [white] water.

Limbaugh virus [aka: ditto virus]:     All icons line up under the Rush icon
where ever it may go.

Bill Clinton #2     Icons turn purple and explode. (May be triggered by
conservative input)

Dole virus:         We don't quite know what it may do, but it seems to have
been in the system for a very long time. May cause system to enter sleep
cycle.

Perot virus:        Ran for a short time in 92 then quit. It may also be
active for a short time in 96. May cause space alien problems with daughter
programs.

Hillary virus:      Causes text to appear on your screen years after you lost
it.  May trigger "Bill Clinton #2" virus.  May also cause rushing [white]
water sound.
----------
What if, Stan had written those virus descriptions? - 

Buchanan virus [aka - "Sap" (of the 'Family (Values) Tree')]:     All your
icons move to the far right of your screen, and then, any icon that depicts a
face gets covered up by a white coned shape hat (and sheets, if the icon is of
a whole person).  The rest of the icons turn into pitch-forks, and swastikas.
The (now) covered 'people' icons then grab the 'pitch-fork' icons, and run off
the *extreme* right side of the screen.  The swastikas remain on your screen,
and cannot be removed, for they are burned into the phosphor.  Your computer
then logs on to America OnLine, goes to the 'government' forum, and then the
(now) covered 'people' icons return (in groups), with the 'pitch-fork' icons,
to the screen, and start attacking America (OnLine), starting with the
'government' (forum). The instant the Buchanan virus infects your computer, it
attempts to kill all forms of the 'Jerusalem' virus (but it never gets them
all).  

Limbaugh virus [aka - "Whiner"]:     All icons line up under the Rush icon
wherever it may go.  As soon as 'Limbaugh' infects your computer, it (along
with any other virus that will join it) attempts to kill the 'Clinton' virus,
and the 'Hillary' virus (but doesn't succeed, only weakens them temporarally,
then they become much stronger, and impossible to remove for another '4 More
Years!').  Then it starts attacking any other viruses 'Limbaugh' thinks is
vulnurable, including the viruses that had joined it in attacking the
'Clinton' viruses.  The only viruses that the 'Limbaugh' virus has been know
to truly rid your system of, though, is the 'Limbaugh' virus, and the virus'
that believe that the 'Limbaugh' virus is a 'truth detector' type virus, or
that the 'Limbaugh' virus is on 'loan from god', etc.  The 'Limbaugh' virus
self-destructs after 7 or 8 years (and it can't understand why).  
 
Gingrich [aka - "KingRich" (King of the Rich)]:     This virus affects
applications that have an ability to recreate previous commands given to that
application while editing a document of that application, using a 'history' or
'undo' command.  'KingRich' attaches itself to the 'history' files, and
selectivly changes certain portions in it.  So if you make a mistake, and you
need to go back and recreate your file before your mistake, you can still go
back, but you'll probably find the icons that represent your best work that
you had placed on the left side of your screen, now on the right of it, and
those icons that open your worst work, and previously placed on the right,
you'll now find that on the left.

Gingrich #2 [aka - "CryBaby"]:      This virus goes to the back of your pci,
vesa,16bit, or 8bit bus, and makes your hard drive make a real loud 'whining'
noise and your soundcard starts making a 'crying' sound through your audio
setup or speakers.  On your screen, 'CryBaby' places the message "I'm going to
shut the system down because I had to go to the back of the bus!", and it
causes your computer to go into 'default' (meaning, it causes you to lose your
CMOS memory, and it restarts with power-on 'defaults').

And we now know what the Dole virus will do -

Dole virus [aka - "Quitter"]:  This virus attacks your hard drive, causing it
to make a real loud 'whining' noise.  Then it quits, and you never have to
worry about it again.

To learn how to detect and remove these viruses from YOUR system, register at
- 

What's A Meta U (and What's It 2 U?)
http://members.aol.com/WhatsMetaU
=====
Stan