GRAND JURY: Jonesboro Guilty, Society and Christianity Indicted As Co-conspirators

[Toto <toto@sk.sympatico.ca>]

[Bienfait Nutly News:] A GRAND JURY CONVENING DURING HAPPY HOUR
at the CoalDust Saloon took to heart the Arkansas Govenor's statement
that,
"We need to lay the blame for the Jonesboro tragedy squarely at the feet
of
the culture that breeds this kind of response in a child."

The Grand Jury forebroad noted that the child perpetrators had neither
been
to Hollywood, nor to any art gallerys funded by the National Foundation
for
the Arts against the wishes of various 'Family Values' coalitions.

 "It's pretty clear that these murderous young monsters are an end
result of
the cultural influences they were exposed to in the course of being
brought
up in the community of Jonesboro. Accordingly we have returned an
unasked-
for verdict of 'guilty' against the citizens of that community, and have
indicted
two others who we feel acted as co-conspirators in this tragedy."

The Grand Jury released two beer-stained items of evidence that they had

used in their drunken deliberations:

* "Road Rage" gets the attention, but more rages are coming into
prominence:  Pre-pay Rage, Albuquerque, N.Mex., January (a man
wanted to pump his gas before he paid; fired several gunshots into
the clerk's car).  Late-Fee Rage, McLean, Va., January (former
State Dept. lawyer was not allowed to rent a movie until he settled
an old late fee; ran down the store owner with his car, knocking
him through the window of a nearby restaurant).  Rain Rage, Los
Angeles, February (as two men passed in the rain, their umbrellas
accidentally touched; one man then aimed his umbrella at the
other's face and thrust the tip through his eye, piercing his brain,
sending him to the hospital in critical condition).
~WEIRDNUZ.526 (News of the Weird, March 6, 1998) by Chuck Shepherd

* According to a September federal indictment in Des Moines,
Iowa, Kenneth Ray Bruner (who is the stepson of a Pentacostal
minister in Oklahoma City) led his seven accomplices in prayer
three weeks earlier, asking for God's protection just before they set
out to knock off Hermans Fine Jewelry.  Bruner acknowledged,
according to the indictment, "that they were going to do bad things
but that they were not bad people."  No one was hurt in the
robbery, and everyone was behind bars by the following day.
 ~WEIRDNUZ.526 (News of the Weird, March 6, 1998) by Chuck Shepherd

"If these were aberrations," the forebroad slurred, wiping drool off the
corner
of her chin and slapping the hand of President Clinton, who had passed
out
in the bar the evening before and stayed over for the trial, "that would
be one
thing, but these examples are just the tip of the iceberg."
"It has been obvious for quite some time that both society and
Christianity
are way out of control, and there is no telling how much greater the
damage
they cause would be if these two entities were able to operate without
the
calming influence of gun-bearing paramilitarists, who can only be pushed
so
far before they begin to push back, themselves."

The Grand Jury's released statement went fairly easy on the parents of
the
child warriors, pointing out that, from the moment of their birth, they
became
the SSN-registered property of the government, with the majority of
their
upbringing being controled by the many laws regulating the manner and
nature of education and discipline that their parents are
allowed/required to
provide for them.
"Had the parents taken a strong hand in the discipline and direction of
their
children's education, they would have been vulnerable to prosecution for
a
variety of serious offenses, and it is likely the government would have
revoked the parents' possession of the child-property in question.
"As well, most members of the community of Jonesboro, the surrounding
social community, and the Christian community, would have undoubtedly
used every available law and law enforcement agency at their fingertips
to prevent the parents from helping their children to escape beyond the
reach of 'We the Sheeple.'"

A barmaid with a Rose Tattoo on her butt nodded in agreement as this
portion of the Grand Jury's statement was read.
The woman had fled Jonesboro the day before the shootings with her own
son, having kidnapped him from a Child Services detention center, where
he was placed after a Christian neighbor had turned her in for allowing
him
to view her live-in boyfriend's Playboy magazines.
"I feel kind of guilty for leaving other people's children behind, to
suffer the
consequences of living in such a dangerous community, but I'm already
facing one count of kidnapping..."

An informal tribunal of drunks and drug addicts returning from the
restrooms
questioned the Grand Jury's failure to indict the government.
One gentleman paused from wiping foreign substances off of his shoes, to

ask, "Since the government is the chief instigator and enforcer in the
process
of crushing the spirit of children, providing funding for most of the
boxes that
their free spirits are crammed into, as well as hunting down and putting
in
more secure boxes those who attempt to evade their responsibility to
remain
within the boundaries set aside to contain their number..."
"Drawing outside the lines!" someone shouted.
Nodding agreement, the gentleman continued, "...then surely they should
have
not only been indicted, as well, and found guilty, but they should have
received
the same penalty as those who backed the actions of the Waco murderers,
according to the guidelines of the McVeigh Convention, as passed by
the Mulatohma Citizen's Tribunal presided over by Judge Bell."

"Well, we did return a few *secret* indictments," the forebroad grinned,
with
a wink to the gentleman, "but we're waiting for TruthMonger to figure
out
where the 'yellow wire' goes..."

In the efforts of fairness, so not to be seen as engaging in yet another
round
of all-too-common Suburbian Christian bashing, the Grand Jury also
released
evidence that communities and religions far distanced from Jonesboro
should
think twice  before gloating over "the anal-retentives finally getting
theirs,"
as a dark-skinned, slant-eyed member of an obscure religious cult
was heard to say, before suddenly dying of alcohol poisoning, whereupon
his soul went up on the roof and the bartender dialed 911, asking them
to
send an ambulance and a Frisbeetarian Priest:

* Dubious Salvations:  In January in Jerusalem, self-described
mystic rabbi David Batzri offered specialized blessings in person
or by telephone for those who have sinned by masturbation (which
he said is the principal cause of demons).  And in Hong Kong in
November, self-proclaimed "knight of God" Syed Atta
Muhammad, 32, was committed to a psychiatric center after he
assaulted a 22-year-old tour guide, whose breasts he thought were
too big to serve God because they made her look like a prostitute.
 ~WEIRDNUZ.526 (News of the Weird, March 6, 1998) by Chuck Shepherd