Political Test

[nobody@REPLAY.COM (Anonymous)]

THE SACREDBULL BASIC ENGLISH AND MATH TEST FOR FEDERAL POLITICIANS

SECTION I: Competency in English

1. The phrase, "Congress shall make no law..." means
a. Congress shall make no law...
b. Congress shall make some laws...
c. Americans can do anything they want, except things my colleagues and I,
or our largest contributors, personally dislike.
d. Congress can do anything it damn well pleases, starting with stacking the
courts with our toadies.

2. What is the correct interpretation of the phrase "...the right of the
people...shall not be infringed"?
a. The right of the people...shall not be infringed.
b. The right of the people...shall be infringed, but only gradually,
moderately and for the good of children and battered women (except the ones
we batter).
c. The right of the people is actually a state's right and the states are a
bunch of wusses who'll put up with anything as long as we offer them enough
tax-funded loot in return for selling out their citizens.
d. The people are all sitting on their butts watching TV, so we can infringe
any damn thing we feel like infringing, and we'll get the media to screw you
if you think otherwise.

3. What is the meaning of the phrase, "The powers ... are reserved to the
states, or to the people..."
a. The powers...are reserved to the states, or to the people...
b. The interstate commerce clause gives us the authority to do anything.
Therefore there are no other powers left to reserve for those other twits.
Too bad for them.
c. Where'd you get a stupid idea like that? We're more powerful and have
bigger guns than they do, and that's all that really matters, isn't it?
d. Hahahahahahahahahaha!

4. Essay Question: Write a bill (a proposed law, you twit) in plain English,
for once. We just want to see if you can do it. Extra credit if it's
constitutional or can be read and understood in less than ten minutes by a
high school student of average intelligence.

SECTION II: Competency in Mathematics

1. A fugitive oil baron named Roger gives $300,000 to the Democratic
National Committee for the specific purpose of gaining "access" to the
president. For that, he is given six invitations to the White House, but
does not get the pipeline he wanted. How much money should Roger give to the
DNC next time?
a. Nothing. People shouldn't be able to bribe their way into the presence of
public officials.
b. This is a trick question. Next time, a Republican president might be in
office, and Roger should give his money to the RNC, instead.
c. I know the president. If Roger gives me the money, I'll give Roger
access. Heck, I'll even throw in some hot babes, since Roger said the babes
at the White House were too busy stroking Clinton to pay any attention to
him.
d. $600,000. (Roger's answer, in testimony before Congress 9/18/97.)

2. According to the administration's own projections, Americans will soon
face an 82 percent income tax rate if present entitlement programs and
levels of federal growth persist. How many years before American citizens
rise up in rebellion?
a. Americans should never be driven to that kind of desperation. We should
immediately begin rolling the federal government back to constitutional
levels.
b. Don't worry, we're going to reform the tax system and, as Rep. Mitch
McConnell says, "virtually abolish the IRS as we know it"; we'll just have
an 82 percent national sales tax, instead.
c. As soon as my term in office is over and I can get an oceanside place in
Costa Rica, complete with Uzi-toting bodyguards.
d. What do we care? We'll just let Janet burn the little jerks and claim
they committed suicide.

3. The federal budget is...oh...some great big figure in the gazillions. The
national debt is probably about five trillion dollars, give or take. The
annual deficit is, you know, billions and billions and billions (not
counting off-budget stuff like Amtrak and the Post Office). Budgets for
Social Security and Medicare are increasing at some really wowie-zow of a
percent every year. (Not like you care what the actual figures are, anyway.)
Congress and the president have just cooked up a tax cut package filled with
goodies for favored special interests. Please explain how you can claim the
budget will be balanced by 2002.
a. We can't do it without extreme cutbacks in government. Anybody who says
we can is lying like a congressman.
b. Revenues will...uh...yeah...revenues will increase because of all those
tax breaks and...uh...the economy will be just perfect forever and ever
and...uh...maybe some plague or something will come along and kill off all
those money-sucking old folks...or something like that, maybe.
c. The media said it's true, didn't they? What more proof do you want?
d. Hey, that's for the suckers who are here in 2002 to figure out. I'll be
in Costa Rica by then.
e. Well, actually, now that I think about it, I'll be in some other country
with an army so they can fight off the U.S. troops who will be sent to take
my loot like they did Noriega's. Like, hey, I stole mine fair and square!

Correct answers: B, C, D and E (From the politicians' point of view, that
is. Hey, you know, whatever we can get away with while the folks are
watching TV...)

Correct answer, in reality: L-E-A-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y


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----- (c) 1997 Charles Curley and Claire Wolfe. Permission to reprint freely
granted
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