Screw You Packet

[Illuminatus Primus <vermont@gate.net>]

http://www.theonion.com/onion3315/screwyoupacket.html

   BACK * 22 April 1998
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         WASHINGTON, DC--In an effort to streamline degradation of the
   American populace and consolidate all forms of bureaucratic hassle
   into one convenient mailing, federal officials announced Monday that,
   beginning in 1999, the government will issue all citizens an annual
   "Screw You" packet.
   
         The packet, which is to be distributed in conjunction with
   federal tax forms, will condense the government's countless methods of
   abuse into a single handy 9x12 envelope.
   
         "The federal government's current citizen-persecution system is
   inefficient and wasteful," said Sen. Alfonse D'Amato (R-NY), who
   spearheaded the congressional task force that developed the "Screw
   You" packet. "This compact packet is not only cost-effective, it's
   user-friendly and intuitive. Simple instructions and easy-to-remember
   acronyms make the filing process as quick and painless as possible."
   
         The packet's easy-to-understand forms will free citizens of the
   nightmare of red tape normally associated with federal filings.
   Filling out and returning the "Screw You" packet is mandatory and
   easy. Here's how:
   
         The first step is to calculate your Economic Mobility Factor
   using the convenient EMF 1138 calculation sheet included in the
   packet. Those with an Economic Mobility Factor of 90 or above may mail
   or fax forms SC0089-L and SC0065-DD to their local Screw You EMF
   Processing Center. They may also drop them off at SYEMFPC kiosks
   conveniently set up at post offices and public libraries across the
   U.S.
   
         Those with an EMF between 30 and 90 must submit their forms in
   person to a Screw You EMF Processing Center Clerk. Such applicants
   must meet with the SYEMFPCC, and should arrange appointments via the
   State Application Auditing Appointment Bureau. Once an appointment
   date has been set by the SAAAB, a Screw You Appointment Confirmation
   Card will be mailed to you within three to four weeks.
   
         Upon receipt of the Screw You Appointment Confirmation Card,
   applicants will be required to register the appointment with the Screw
   You Appointment Registry Bureau. Failure to register the appointment
   within a 48-hour period will result in a fine automatically added to
   your estimated SYEMF-1138 quotient.
   
         The amount of the fine can be determined by using Screw You
   Fine/ Penalty Schedule 565612, which is available at all local
   Department of Fiduciary Adjustment branch offices. If there is no DFA
   office in your immediate Screw You zone, district, state or township,
   you should contact the Federal Department of Fiduciary Adjustments in
   Washington, D.C., and ask to speak to a Citizen's Outreach
   Representative who will look up the predetermined fine on
   SYF/PS565612.
   
         There is a $50 processing fee for any and all telephone queries
   to the FDFA. Those wishing to charge the $50 fee can do so by making
   three copies of forms SYEMF-1138, KSJU-387-SK, SKSP-90-EZ, and
   SC-2389, along with computer code 0100010 and ACC-842, and forwarding
   them to the Federal Department of Fiduciary Adjustments Postal
   Processing Center in Colorado Springs, CO.
   
         Forms received by the FDFAPPC will be processed and returned to
   applicants within six to eight weeks. Those who wish to have their
   forms returned in less than six to eight weeks may file a Fiduciary
   Calculation Acceleration Form 9056 at their local SYEMFPC.
   
         FCAF-9056 forms will be available Monday to Tuesday between the
   hours of 7:45 a.m. and 8:15 a.m., and are distributed on a first-come,
   first-serve basis. Completed forms should be returned to the FDFA in
   Washington, DC. All FCAF-9056 forms that have not cleared
   authentication via the FDFA in Washington, DC, will be rendered null
   and void, and will not be forwarded to the FDFAPPC in Colorado
   Springs.
   
         Applicants who misdirect their FCAF-9056 forms will draw a $10
   per SYEMF-1138 fine. The fine must be paid within 36 hours, or the
   applicant will be subject to house arrest and strip-search by the
   Armed Outreach Response Team, an independently operated division of
   the Screw You Outreach Consortium.
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   BACK * 22 April 1998
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