SweatHog Log -- SPACE ALIENS HIDE MY DRUGS!!!

[Linda Reed--PCC West Campus CSC <lreed@west.cscwc.pima.edu>]

SweatHog Log -- SPACE ALIENS HIDE M DRUGS!!!
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[Austin Nutly News--LoneBeerState]IT WAS THE tURKEbASTE
of times, it was the LiverWurst of times...
Bob Wills Beer and Lone Star Music. Captain BeefJerky and
the Lost Bozo Band opening for Jerry Jeff Garcia and the
DreadFul Drunks at the Split Lip Saloon. Knocking back
shots of Townsend's Treacherous Treat at Amaretto World
HindQuarters. Mom Nelson declaring C.J. Parker to be her
illegitimately adopted son, making him a half-nelson and
making him live in the basement of the outhouse behind 
Willie's Fool Hall.

A million degrees in the shade and TruthMongrel sitting in
the truck in the parking lot of the HEB Central Market Cafe
while Toto was inside drinking cold beer and asking the
barmaid what type of wine goes with TruckRoasted PuppyDog.
Drinking West Texas ChugWater...


Austin CypherPunks gathered around a couple of tables in 
the beer garden, the BigRedBook unflapping in the breeze
and serving as a standard to rally together a handful of
anarchist frontiers(wo)men to prepare to stand as the lone
outpost against the mighty Digital Army of Santa AnnaChrist
in his War Against The Digitally United States of Terra.
JimBob Choate drawing a line in the sand...
Most of the CypherPunks crossed that line--the bar was on
the other side of it--but they came back.

A strange, deranged desperado appearing out of nowhere to
announce that someone had nuked DC, and he wanted to ask
them a few questions, then sitting down and babbling in a
nonsensical manner in order to distract their attention 
while he played footsie with the blonde sitting across from
him, until she finally left, in disgust.
WeBeastMaster JimBob waiting until only the StewedGuy and
the Disparate Stranger were left before passing along the
SecretMessageThatHadNoMeaning from Declan McCullagh. The
Dissipating Strangler fading into the mist with a bottle
of red wine tucked under his arm.

Lieutenant JimBob Choate, Army of Dog-Digital Division &
MeatSpace Multiplication, feeling a shiver go down his spine
as he walked slowly to his vehicle, heard a TruthMongrel
howling in the distance, and realized that 'red wine' goes
with TruckRoasted PuppyDog.]


  MenInTheShadows unable to find the second VirtualNuclear
Device claimed to have been planted in a pubic building
eleven KILLometers from MongerItaVille--wondering if their
first mistake hadn't been to threaten a six-year old child
and his mother with deportation from Canada if they continued
to involve themselves in the battle for Medicare in Saskatchewan.
  For almost a half-century thereafter, the child had been a
thorn in their side, seemingly breaking every rule in the book,
violating everything that anal-retentive WhiteCanadianImmigrants
held sacred as they strove to promote the Rule of (White)Law
in the Great White Snort. Despite their many failed attempts
to imprison him, ususally succeeding only in harrassing him
and causing him great personal loss and expense, they had never
before had to fear for their own lives and the safety of their
families, but now all that had changed...

  An elite, secretive cabal of Mounties gathered around a table
reviewing the security implications of a hidden file being found
on their computer system which had the same name as the file
on the floppy disk left at the site of the first VirtualNuclear
Device found in a public building eleven KILLometers from
MongerItaVille.
  Silence in the room as each of them heard, in their own mind,
the screams of the Author as they resounded through the Analogue
Reality of his home in Bienfait, through the Digital Reality of
MongerItaVille, and through the MeatSpace DigiZeros on a dozen
or more Canadian Government computer systems.
  "OU WANT TO FUCK WITH *CHILDREN*? OU WANT TO STEAL M NEPHEWS'
COMPUTERS? OU WANT TO FILE FALSE CHARGES ON M NEIGHBOR'S FUTURE
LITTLE GLUE-SNIFFER, OU NAZI RATFUCKERS?
  "THE *MEATSPACE* REVOLUTION IS *NOW*!!!!"


  The Author may be bluffing, of course, but could they really 
afford to take that chance?
  HeOrShe had offered them "pole position" on receiving the key
that the BackDoor Boogie (TM) was being played in to provide a
soundtrack to the RCMP Musical Ride taking place on Trojan Horses
ridden by DigitalAnarchists throughout Canadian Government computer
systems.

  The offer was simple enough...return all of the stolen computers
to the possession of Human Gus-Peter and the RCMP would get the
checkered flag in the race against finding their digital security
breach...if there, in fact, *was* one...
  The 'clues' of its existence were rather vague, though startling,
and they could conceivably be the result of collusion on a part of
the Author's widespread Inner Circle, which undoubtedly included
more than a few people with access to secure Canadian Government
computer systems.
  Of course, the phrase 'pole position' implied that there were
others in the race who the Author could bless with the checkered
flag if they were the first to provide Human Gus-Peter with a
state-of-the-art portable multi-media computer such as the one
that had been stolen from the Author, but the Mounties were
reluctant to suffer the loss of face that would be involved in
rectifying the consequences of their own illegal and heavy-handed
acts of oppression and repression.

  The Mounties knew that they were, to a certain extent, vulnerable,
having actively promoted the persecution of a mentally unstable
individual at a time when his medications were running low, in the
hope that he would explode in a manner that would cause him to
perform actions which he could be legally held accountable for.
It wouldn't look good, however, if it came out that the Mounties
themselves were taking the precaution of wearing bullet-proof vests
for their own protection during their attempts to provoke the
Author to actions of raging insanity, while leaving the children of
the community vulnerable to the MeatSpace actions of a violent
psychotic currently writing the "Bienfait Nutly News 'KILL THE
CHILDREN' Special."


  The RCMP had failed to intercept the computer disks and audio
tapes that the Author had mailed to Declan McCullagh from Montana,
but the Netly News journalist had not yet received them, so it
seemed that *someone* had intercepted them.
  Every indication was that there was only a single copy of the
material the Author had stashed south of the 49th parallel just
before his computers were confiscated, but there was no telling,
for sure. Besides, the Mounties had confiscated the voice-activated
tape recorder they found on their last illegal entry to his home,
and the audio tapes he had could conceivably be of one of the
American intelligence agents monitoring his residence, such as
the retired Air Force Intelligence officer who had become rather
friendly with him at the CoalDust Saloon.]
  It was a shame that the Author had found and destroyed the
'evidence' they had planted in his truck shortly before he 
skipped the country, but the 'evidence' they had 'found' after
his departure would suffice. The reference to the *second*
VirtualNuclearDevice was troubling, however, since its existence,
if real, could result in the whole operation blowing up in their
face.

  Nonetheless, the Mounties considered it better to lose a few
citizens, or even a whole town, than to lose face, and the
Author's modus operandi was to provide fair warning before the
date and time of his nefarious activities, so the Mounties were
confident that they could follow in the footsteps of the BATF and
arrange to be conveniently gone when the shit hit the fan.

  Then they would have that ShitDisturbingMonster dead to rights...