Re: Toto describing a visit from SS agents

[Declan McCullagh <declan@well.com>]

I mention the alleged threats against the president in my article today,
and link to the email.

-Declan

On Thu, 10 Sep 1998, Adam Back wrote:

> 
> Again while searching for keys, another encrypted message (Subject:
> Secret Service With A Smile - SAHMD!!! / Pwd: lco, Date: 31 Jul 98)
> this message appears to refer to a visit from US Secret Service
> agents, apparently due to their imputing some kind of threat to US
> president(?) in one of Toto's rants.
> 
> Decrypted copy below [1].
> 
> Adam
> 
> [1]
> ======================================================================
> Secret Service With A Smile - SPACE ALIENS HIDE MY DRUGS!!!
> ___________________________________________________________
> 
>   It was only natural for me to wonder what it was about the Secret
> Service Agents who visited me today that enabled them to act like
> decent, pleasant people during the course of the personal interview
> portion of their investigation into my life and psyche.
> 
>   The question was answered, to my satisfaction, at the point when
> the more veteran of the two agents explained that, despite my
> rugged handsomeness and my delightful personality, they would have
> to CrushMeLikeABug if it became apparent to them that my already
> tentative physical and mental existence came into conflict with
> their official duty to protect the President of the United States.
>   I realized that they were professionals, with a high degree of
> integrity, and that their concern probably went far beyond the
> fact that if the Nation lost the CommanderInChief on their shift,
> they could pretty much kiss their Christmas Bonus goodbye...
>   It was also apparent that their ability to be quite reasonable
> and pleasant human beings--while making it plain that informing me
> that putting me away for observation in Springfield, Missouri,
> could easily take away a full year of my life, was *meant* to be
> a threat--without having to engage in a heavy-handed affectation
> of MachoAuthority, was the result of their actually *having* the
> authority to decide, here and now, whether or not my life would
> instantly become a living hell.
> 
>   The Secret Service Agents were also extremely intelligent, not
> even blinking before passing on my offer to testify against myself,
> in return for immunity from prosecution.
>  (When I made the same offer to RCMP OffalSlurs, they had to 
>   contact their superiors, who held a meeting with OffalSchills
>   behind the closed doors of the Canadian Justice Apartment,
>   before finally declining my offer.)
> 
>   I was able to relax and be cooperative in dealing with the 
> Agents, since, when your fate is in the hands of someone with
> GenuineAuthority, whether their intentions are GoodOrEvil (TM)
> is not nearly as important as to whether or not they happen to
> be StupidFucks (TM) who can ruin your life over something as
> simple as misunderstanding your request that they make their
> questions more 'lucid.'
>  ("That's it, you sick, fucking pervert! Jim, get the kilo of
>   heroin out of the trunk...")
> 
> Wrong Question #29 When Dealing With StupidFucks:
>   "Excuse me, but do your employers *know* that you carry a gun?
> I mean, have they ever met you, or were you hired by mail? Can
> you actually shoot a gun without moving your lips?"
> 
>   Although the Secret Service Agents were in possession of an
> email I had sent a few minutes or hours previously, from Pima
> College --> <erehwon@dis.org> (who I immediately tried to Rat
> Out as the leader of a ChildSexRingDedicatedToTheViolentOver
> ThrowOfTheUSGovernment, in order to save my own skin), the
> agents seemed much more interested in a chapter of SAHMD!!!
> which contains notification of an OfficialDeathThreat to pretty
> much DoGodAndEverybodyOnTheFaceOfTheEarth.
>   I tried to placate them by reaching over with a pen and adding
> an 'Un' in front of the word 'Official,' but they were not really
> impressed, informing me that the point they were trying to make
> had to do with it being unacceptable, from their point of view,
> for me to use the words 'Death,' 'Threat,' and 'President' all
> in the same paragraph, let alone all in the same sentence.
> {"Well, excuuusssee *me*!"}
>   Realizing that it was probably not an opportune moment to try to
> hit them up for a donation toward the maintenance of my planned
> PresidentialDeathThreatAnonymousRemailer, I casually turned the
> donation jar so that they couldn't see the label, and I set it
> down.
> 
>   Actually, I couldn't be certain that I had actually written the
> chapter, or portion thereof, with which the agents seemed most
> concerned, since I find it difficult to distinguish between the
> work that is mine alone, and the work that is a collage of various
> participants in the writing and dissemination of 'The True Story
> of the InterNet' manuscripts, if I don't have access to the files
> on the computer on which they were created and stored.
>   Nonetheless, I refrained from pointing out that the phrase that
> indicates that the writer "might" conceivably "whack" someone or
> another GovernmentPersonage, might equally apply to the stance
> taken by the Secret Service Agents, themselves, if the Founding
> Fathers were to be believed when they indicated that it is the
> right and the duty of the citizenry to take up arms against their
> rulers, if need be, in the interest of Democracy, Freedom, Justice,
> or in DivineRetribution against the High&Mighty if they take a drink
> out of your beer while you're in the restroom, having a leak.
>  (I'm not certain about that last example, but I have no doubt that
>   the Founding Fathers *meant* to include that...)
> 
>   I refrained from attempting to engage the Agents in philosophical
> debate in regard to some of the finer points surrounding the issues
> of Freedom of Speech, since the purpose of their visit was obviously
> geared toward impressing upon me the duties encompassed by their job
> description, their professional competence in doing their job, and
> the fact that the necessity of making a return visit would very
> likely be an indication that Uncle Sam was about to become my new
> landlord.
>   To tell the truth, I was in a pretty scattered state of mind at
> the time of their visit, and I undoubtedly failed to adequately
> understand a good portion of the dialogue which took place, but
> they were very clear in explaining that, given my current state
> of unwelcomeness in Canada, I am running out of countries to go
> to, and that I should give serious consideration as to whether or
> not I wanted my next Literary Spamology to be titled, "Midnight 
> Express II."
>   Hhhmmm...decisions, decisions...
> 
>   Since my reading of the Secret Service Agents is that they are
> highly ethical professionals, with little need to persecute an
> individual out of thin-skinned, personal vindictiveness, I guess
> it wouldn't hurt to mention that, minutes after their departure,
> Linda Lou arrived home, announcing that there was yet another
> Tarantula in the driveway, headed toward the house...
> 
>   The obvious conclusion, of course, is that the Secret Service
> Agents are actually Reptilian Nazis, who are deeply involved in
> the WorldWidePlotAgainstMe.
>   This, in turn, leads to the dilemma of whether or not I should,
> on the occasion of a return visit, jump them and drive wooden stakes
> through their hearts, turning them into quivering pools of smoking,
> green slime. 
>  (Or is that Vampires? Shit! I'd better check, first, or it could
>   lead to a really embarassing situation.)
> 
>   On the other hand, since they were quite civil and reasonable
> in their dealings with me, and they apparently didn't eat any of
> the dogs, while here (although it might have been a different
> story, if we had poodles), then perhaps their is a chance that
> we and the Reptilian Nazis can live together in peace...unless it
> is a SneakyTrick (TM), of course...and they are trying to *confuse*
> me, so that I don't warn TheOthers...and they were only so pleasant
> because they were inwardly laughing at me for not realizing that,
> starting tomorrow, they are going to take control of the whole face
> of the globe, turning all humans into LobotomizedSlaves who exist
> only to serve their ReptilianNaziMasters!
> 
> QUICK, EVERYBODY! ARM YOURSELVES AND RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!
> PREPARE TO ENGAGE THE REPTILIAN NAZIS IN VIOLENT, BLOODY STRUGGLE!
> START BY WHACKING OUT THE LAWYERS, AND THEN...
> 
>   Hold it! What the fuck am I ranting on about?
>   The Masses are *already* LobotomizedSlaves who exist only to serve
> their ReptilianNaziMasters...
> 
>   Maybe the agents were just here to see whether or not Baby is a
> poodle.
>   That makes more sense, since the Reptilian Nazis don't really 
> give a FatRat'sAss about the Jews, but they *do* want to round up
> all of the poodles shortly before the arrival of their Reptilian
> Nazi Relatives, so that there is plenty of barbeque at their
> PicnicToCelebrateTheConquestOfEarth.
>   Yeah, that's gotta be it...
> 
>   Actually, I'm rather glad that the Secret Service Agents dropped
> around to meet me in person, since people reading my copious literary
> effluvia sometimes mistakenly get the impression that I am some kind
> of Dogamned Weirdo, or something.
>   Still, I wish I had been able to refrain from going, "Cuckoo-Cuckoo"
> on the hour and the half-hour during their vist.
>   But, what the hell...I bet that a *lot* of the people they visit
> do that...
> ======================================================================
> 
> 
> 
>