Greenspan Farts, Market Tumbles

[Mark Hedges <hedges@infopeace.com>]

Greenspan Farts, Market Tumbles

  NEW YORK (AP) -- American stock markets nose-dived today immediately
  after a press conference at the Federal Reserve Bank, when Alan
  Greenspan, Fed Chairman, passed gas in an audible expulsion of
  flatulence. Investors, spooked by the ominous noise, panicked.

  The Dow Jones industrial average lost 364 points in 20 minutes.
  Luckily for investors, the Fed Chief then uttered vague,
  ambiguous statements which could be interpreted as hints of an
  upcoming rate cut by the masses of illiterate investors. The
  market soared up more than 450 points, restoring confidence in a
  bullish market even in the face of the sensational Asian crisis.

  A key banking player from Merrill Lynch & Co., speaking on
  condition of anonymity, said, "That really stank. Greenspan must
  have eaten beans for breakfast." Other bankers at the press
  conference expressed similar misgivings about Greenspan breaking
  wind. "It sincerely disturbs me that this man's accidental
  passing of gas affects market performance in such a substantive
  way," said another banker. "Doesn't anyone believe that market
  behavior depends on more than this single man's intestinal fortitude?"

  Representatives at the Federal Reserve issued only a single
  statement, saying "Greenspan is in good spirits, and seems to be
  amused that majorities of investors give his flatulance this
  power. He is in good health, and his intestinal disturbance
  passed." The Dow index gained 90 points within 2 minutes of the
  release of the Fed statement.

  George Soros, billionaire hedge fund manager and global money
  market speculator, said regarding Greenspan's noxious vapors,
  "I don't give a damn what Alan ate for breakfast. This entire
  spectacle is ridiculous. If you or I farted, as everyone does,
  probably no one would notice. But for some insane, perhaps inane
  reason, nearly every American and many foreign investors dote on
  Greenspan's every comment and action, interpreting them as signs
  of apocalypse or a wealthy paradise, depending on their mood."

  In this exclusive report, a senior Fed official, speaking on
  condition of anonymity, said, "Perhaps I'm the only one in the
  world who sees rate cuts as a psychological panacea. A truly
  stable, substantive economy takes more than a slightly lower
  interest rate in an already flawed system of debt mechanics.
  We need to restructure the economy on solid grounds with long-
  term growth goals. The economy must not be structured only to
  increase the short-term profits of investors who are only
  interested in the bottom-line monetary numbers, but who do not
  care about the real effects their money has in our world."

  Fed officials declined further comment on the incident. Some
  financial analysts believe Greenspan's foul air is a clear
  sign the Fed will decide to cut interest rates at next week's
  strategy meeting.

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NOTE: In accordance with Title 17 U.S.D. section 107, this erroneous and
humorous material is distributed without profit or payment to those who
have expressed a prior interest in receiving this information for purpose
of laughs and giggles only.
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________________________________________________________________
  Mark Hedges      hedges@infopeace.com      www.infopeace.com

  "One does not establish a dictatorship in order to safeguard
  a revolution; one makes the revolution in order to establish
  a dictatorship."  O'Brien from 1984, George Orwell
________________________________________________________________