IP: A Poll / A Thousand Lies (satire)

["Vladimir Z. Nuri" <vznuri@netcom.com>]

From: "Tom Simmons" <simmons@camasnet.com>
Subject: IP: A Poll / A Thousand Lies (satire)
Date: Fri, 9 Oct 1998 11:48:22 -0700
To: "Ignition Point" <ignition-point@pobox.com>

Editor,
I took my own cross-sectional, wholly "scientific" poll on
Clinton's impeachment/resignation. In order to be truly
"scientific", I followed these rules:
1) Choose a densely populated area of a major city in order to
get a poll result that is not one-sided.
2) There are 25 known minority cultures in the U.S., including,
in "random" order, but not limited to Indian, African, Mexican,
Oriental, Caucasian, gray wolf, spotted owl, and grizzly bear. In
order to ensure that minorities are not treated as minorities,
enforce strict parameters of 96 percent combined minority and 4
percent Caucasian.
3) Eliminate the following from the poll to preclude prejudice:
a.) anyone who did not vote for Clinton. It would not be fair to
include those who are obviously biased already.
b.) anyone who thinks a Newt Gingrich is a slimy lizard.
c.) anyone who doesn't think  Newt Gingrich is a slimy lizard.
d.) all who believe there is such a thing as "sin".
e.) all who have ever used or heard the phrase " moral authority
".
f.) anyone who believes that a document as old as the
Constitution should matter, at this point.
g.) anyone who believes someone with the nickname Slick Willy,
caught in a thousand lies,  might not be telling the truth now.
h.) anyone who has ever questioned the actions of the government
and is still living or is not imprisoned.
Using these guidelines as promoted by the United Pollsters /
Young Urban Research Specialists, commonly known as UPYURS, the
results were astoundingly accurate. When asked if Clinton is
doing a good job, 7335 percent answered "yes", although when
asked to be more specific, 8223 percent hadn't the foggiest idea
what his job duties are.
As to whether he should resign, 14243 percent answered " no ". A
breakdown analysis revealed that, among those not eliminated by
the above fairness rules, 62,786,091 work for the Clinton
administration, 24,892,456 cannot speak English, 12,873,612 bear
fur, and there was one token conservative.
In a completely unrelated question, the same broadband group was
asked whether Hitler should be posthumously awarded the Nobel
Peace Prize......

Tom Simmons

*****************************************************************
*****
The most formidable weapon against oppression and tyranny is not
bullets, for their use is as a last resort, nor hiding in the
mountains, for there is no safe haven from tyranny, nor foolish
martyrdom for freedom's sake. It is an informed and involved
citizenry. This IS our only hope.Get involved.
Tom Simmons




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