Fwd: Strom Thurmond Drafts Bill Prohibiting Telegraph Porn

[Bill Stewart <bill.stewart@pobox.com>]

Strom Thurmond Drafts Bill Prohibiting Telegraph Porn

http://www.theonion.com/onion3408/telegraphporn.html

Strom Thurmond Drafts Bill Prohibiting Telegraph Porn

      WASHINGTON, DC--Contending that morse-coded descriptions of
improperly petticoated young ladies are undermining the morals of American
boys yet in short pants, U.S. Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-SC) proposed
legislation Monday banning telegraph porn.

      "My friends, this revolutionary new 'Tele-graph' technology, by which
messages are transmitted across vast distances via cable wire, is indeed a
wondrous device," Thurmond told fellow members of the Senate. "But certain
telegraphers--most corrupt and foul telegraphy men indeed--have debased Mr.
Morse's code by using its ingenious dots and dashes to transmit
porno-graphs describing flagrantly uncorseted womenfolk. I submit to you,
gentlemen, that laws be passed to prevent the tele-graph device from
becoming a machine of ill repute!"

      Thurmond's proposed legislation would establish stiff penalties for
the transmission of certain obscene words and phrases along Western Union's
telegram and telegraph wires, including "merry-widow," "bosom," and
"underthings," as well as prohibit the use of the word "legs" instead of
"limbs" when referring to the female anatomy. In certain contexts, the
words"disheveled" and "heaving" would also be regarded as violations of the
law, with perpetrators subject to fines of $50 or seven years hard labor on
the proposed trans-American steam railroad.

      "As our nation recovers from the depredations and ruin of the recent
War Of Northern Aggression, we must not permit the tele-graph to become the
Devil's instrument," said Thurmond, 95. "Mr. Morse's messaging device must
not be allowed to corrupt the hearts and minds of the Republic's youths!"


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