[Date Prev][Date Next][Thread Prev][Thread Next][Date Index][Thread Index]

Escrow Officer Trading Cards <fwd>



Forwarded message:
From eileen Sat Jul  9 23:42:15 1994
From: eileen (Eileen Tronolone)
Message-Id: <[email protected]>
Subject: hee
To: rarachel (Arsen Ray Arachelian)
Date: Sat, 9 Jul 1994 23:42:14 -0400 (EDT)
X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.4 PL0]
Content-Type: text
Content-Length: 9489      


Article 185 of alt.humor.best-of-usenet:

From: [email protected] (Tom Bryce)
Newsgroups: talk.politics.crypto
Subject: Escrow Officer Trading Cards

Escrow Officer Trading Cards


I noticed I'm a little behind on the cryptographic Newspeak 
being promoted by the clipper chip people when I recently read 
some information on key escrow posted to the net, that is, in 
article <[email protected]> by Steven Bellovin 
<[email protected]>. He mentions that he asked some questions 
of "people on the committee" which seemed to imply they were on 
the inside of the clipper thing, and their answers seemed pretty 
authoritative. I noticed a heck of a lot of Shit In Capital 
Letters that seems to imply Everyone Should Know What the Fuck 
This Is and that This Shit Will Be A Permanent Part Of Our 
Future Vocabularies. Words like Unique Keys, Key Components, 
Escrow Officer, Escrow Agent, Family Key and Escrowed Encrytion 
Standard. It all sounded so OFFICIAL. It also mentioned that a 
hell of a lot of shit about these chips they just wouldn't tell 
us because it was CLASSIFIED INFORMATION. Stuff like how to 
generate psuedo-random numbers for cryptographic purposes. Now I 
thought shit like this was pretty commonly known anyway, but I 
suppose as it's time for us all to up and FORGET this shit 'cuz 
the government tell us it's TOP SECRET and we don't really know 
it anyway. 

As part of our mental reorganization, it seems we are going to 
have to rig up an Escrow Officer category in our minds and 
Capitalize Escrow Officer Every Time We Write This Fucking Word 
because Escrow Officers Will Be Very Important People like the 
President of the United States and the Secretary General of the 
United Nations. Just like the friendly police officer or 
religious leader or boy scout leader or army general or so on of 
the past, I predict Escrow Officers will be the big heroes and 
public leaders of the future. They will burn the midnight oil 
thinking of ways to protect our secret keys from enemy 
intrusion, as well as protect us from Terrorists, Drug Dealers, 
Pedophiles, Communists, Right-wingers, Leftists, and all other 
kind of folk who seek to trample on the flag of the U.S.A. They 
will be the sentinels keeping watch over our secret keys in the 
night. All information about us - our birthdays, height, weight, 
last visit to the doctor, last porno magazine purchased on a 
credit card, sexual orientation, jobs we applied for in the 
past, HIV status, debts we are late in paying, all this secret 
information will be guarded by these silent and sure men and 
women - dare I say God-like sentinels? If Escrow Officers will 
become a big part of our future lives, I'd like to be one of the 
first to capitalize on this phenomenon. I will soon introduce 
Escrow Officer Trading Cards, so we can all have fun trading 
pictures of our favorite Escrow Officers and perhaps even 
following in the fashion trends they promote. Children can also 
learn at a young age who the men and women are who will be 
protecting their secret information for the rest of their lives.

On the front should be a photograph of the Escrow Officer. The 
Escrow Officer should be shown smiling broadly, perhaps while 
embracing or holding a small child or baby. The Escrow Officer 
will be wearing a conservative but comfortable-looking suit, to 
convey that the Escrow Officer is a Real Important Person but 
also Down To Earth and Friendly. Behind the Escrow Officer 
should be bookshelves with impressive titles clearly readable by 
the Escrow Officer Trading Card Owner. Good titles would include 
math books with real real complicated sounding titles, Profiles 
of Courage by John F. Kennedy (another Real Important, Real 
Smart, just plain Real Great Heroic Dude), legal books with Real 
Complicated Sounding Titles, ominous sounding books from the FBI 
and CIA and other Real Tough Sounding American Organizations on 
things like International Terrorist Operations and Their Impact 
on the Crazy World We Will Leave Our Children and Babies 
Tomorrow, and things like that. Books by Richard Nixon should be 
absent from the bookshelves.

On the back will be the Escrow Officer's Name, Address, Phone 
Number, Social Security Number, Sexual Orientation, Blood Type, 
Name Of Last Three Sexual Contacts, Best Friend's Name, and so 
on. (Hey, who the fuck needs privacy anyway? The Escrow Officers 
should set an example for all of us. After all, why would they 
need to hide these things anyway? Unless they're doing something 
they're not supposed to be doing! Like having gay sex in some 
states of America, and things like that.) (PSST. Top secret: It 
won't be their real phone number and stuff anyway. After all, 
who would know any better. And we can even hire some actors to 
pose for the picture instead of the Escrow Officer since it will 
give a more accurate impression of what Escrow Officers are 
supposed to represent. Some real Good-Looking Actors and 
Actresses who fit the current cultural norms of beauty and 
handsomeness and power. Then, since we might not have enough 
black and other minority Escrow Officers, we can hire some 
minority actors to pose for the pictures. Then we could even 
change the names of all the Escrow Officers on the Cards to 
names that sound more impressive and trustworthy.)

Then we can have a Fun Facts section under the personal 
information. For example, we could have a picture of the Escrow 
Officer smiling while holding the Official Random Number 
Generation Keyboard used for a production run of Clipper Chips. 
It will describe the make of the keyboard, color, and so on, and 
might even mention some Fun Facts like the fact that the Escrow 
Officer likes to stick Gumby or Snoopy stickers onto the side of 
the keyboard, and even generated the numbers without using the 
left half of the keyboard one day when she poured her morning 
coffee onto the left half of the keyboard because she was up 
late the night before catching up on the latest newsbriefs on 
the International Traffic in Crack-Addicted Pedophile 
Terrorists. (We won't mention that she was also reading about 
how to stop tax evasion once and for all with electronic money 
encrypted by Escrowed Keys, since everyone cheats on their taxes 
anyway and it would scare the shit out of everyone and eliminate 
support for the Official Key Escrow Standard. We need to pretend 
it's only these fucking ridiculous categories of Super Duper 
Arch Enemies we're after.) 

Another Fun Fact section might involve a picture of an Escrow 
Officer whose dedication and hard work helped catch a Super 
Duper Evil Communist who was actively advocating the violent 
overthrow of the Government of the United States of America. The 
Escrow Officers can be shown bonking the Communist over the head 
with the Official Random Number Generating Keyboard, while 
another escrow agent slaps a pair of handcuffs on the Communist. 
Then the fun fact section can mention the Humorous Incident that 
took place when the photograph was being taken. Of course, the 
photograph is only a simulation, and the Communist will be an 
actor, though the Escrow Officers might be real. The Fun Facts 
section will mention how everyone had a Real Good Laugh after 
the picture taking session was over and they were about to 
uncuff the communist when... THE ESCROW OFFICERS FORGOT WHERE 
THEY PUT THE KEY! From then on, they were subjected to good-
natured ribbing every time they got to the office in the 
morning. In fact, a few months later one of the Escrow Officers 
came to work in the morning and found two of his desk drawers 
locked together with a chain and combination lock. A post-it 
note attached to his desk said SORRY BUT I FORGOT THE 
COMBINATION! While everyone was roaring at the Silly Prank, the 
quick-witted Escrow Officer got his other Escrow Officer buddy 
to give him his half of the Key Component to operate the Decrypt 
Processor and they busted the Secret Key of the lock company and 
got the lock off without any extra help. That way, people will 
know what Silly Pranksters our Escrow Officers are. Ever 
diligent in protecting our privacy, but still one of the guys. 
Perhaps the following quip can be ascribed to the Escrow Officer 
in a cartoon-style bubble coming out of his mouth:

"Hey guys, sure I'm into encryption and all, but really, I'm 
just a fella!!"

His buddies will be slapping their knees and ribbing each other 
at his tales of Escrow Officer Pranks and buying each other 
drinks.

Anyway, this is about all I've formulated so far of the Trading 
Card Plan. If anyone cares to invest in my plan (and has access 
to Government Restricted Encryption Technology) please send me 
contact information encrypted on the following key.

--
Postings to alt.humor.best-of-usenet reflect what the submittor considers to be
the best in usenet humor, and the poster is responsible for the content.  The
moderator removes duplicates, copyrighted material, posts without headers, but
does not drop articles based on content.  See the group charter for more info.
Sigs may be truncated.  Moderator address: [email protected]


-- 
Eileen Tronolone      | internet: [email protected]  | Just Another Ozric
System Administrator  | usenet: [email protected]  | Tentacle Of The
Polytechnic University| voice: (718) 260-3846             | Medusa On The 
Brooklyn, NY 11201    | Self possession is 9/10 of the law| Infobahn Of Love??