(Humor) FW: How to Win Arguments

[Blanc Weber <blancw@MICROSOFT.com>]

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I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
argument on any topic, against any opponent.  People know this, and
steer clear of me at parties.  Often, as a sign of their great
respect, they don't even invite me.  You too can win arguments.
Simply follow these rules:

        * Drink Liquor.

Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on
the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about.  If you're
drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang
back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your
date.  But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have
STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy.  You'll be a WEALTH of
information.  You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights
and possibly upsetting furniture.  People will be impressed.  Some may
leave the room.

        * Make things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove
Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU
are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of
Peruvians be better off.  DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." 
Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the
revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the
mean gross poverty level."

        NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
        
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up,
too.  Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for
the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982.  Didn't you read it?" Say
this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your
soiled underwear in my bath house."

        * Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.

        Memorize this list:

                Let me put it this way
                In terms of
                Vis-a-vis
                Per se
                As it were
                Qua
                So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.,"
"e.g.," and "i.e."  These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do
not."

Here's how to use these words and phrases.  Suppose you want to say:
"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't
have enough money."

You never win arguments talking like that.  But you WILL win if you say:
"Let me put it this way.  In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua
Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but
they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

        * Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to fire back at
your opponents when they make valid points.  The best are:

        You're begging the question.
        You're being defensive.
        Don't compare apples and oranges.
        What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable.  Nobody, other than
mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

Here's how to use your comebacks:

        You say                 	As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
        Your opponents says     	Lincoln died in 1865.
        You say                 	Your begging the question.

                             OR
                                        
        You say                 	Liberians, like most Asians...
        Your opponents says     	Liberia is in Africa.
        You say                 	You're being defensive.

        * Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right
and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say:  "That
sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You
certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody.  Do not try to pull
any of this on people who generally carry weapons.

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       ..
~ Blanc