Copyright 1995, 1996, 1997 Pearl Publishing
Unitary Oath
The 'Keyholders' are assholes, and Schultz is King of the Assholes. My first day here he made a point of ridiculing me in front of the other inmates, making sure they all knew I was a 'Net'er Nut', thus ensuring my place as the dregs of the dregs.
Even the craziest of the inmates 'know' that I can't really be a Net'er. The InterNet Government doesn't have a nuthouse, and they certainly wouldn't allow one of their own to suffer the denigration of being interred in another Government's nuthouse. It just isn't done.
I don't know how many years it might take for my writings to be discovered, if ever, so perhaps I should explain the way things work in the year 149 AC (After Cable).
The world is no longer divided geographically, as
it was during my youth. It's divided by Channels. Each of us is
a citizen of one of the Channel Governments, regardless of the
location of our own particular physical existence.
Many of the younger people probably have no way of understanding
the depth of change since the BC era, having grown up in WebWorld
and never knowing anything different. And by the time this humble
attempt at recording the history of my time is read the world
may have changed again, to a form and structure of society that
I cannot at this time comprehend.
During the time of my youth I read and studied history
in terms of philosophers named Plato, Socrates, McLuhan and Chaum.
They were, although some were alleged to have lived a hundred,
or hundreds, of years before my own birth, considered to be historically
'real' and not just myths. They lived in eras described as many
years BC (which in my time meant not, Before Channel, but Before
Christ). Christ was another historical figure, but one who was
less recognized as being historically 'real' as opposed to being
a 'mythical' figure.
Actually, at the time of my youth it was socially unacceptable
to deny the real existence of Jesus and his place in history,
but by the time I had reached middle-age it was socially acceptable
to debate his existence as historically 'real' or as a 'mythical
archetype' who had never actually physically existed. Even later,
it became socially unacceptable for one to express any belief
in there mere possibility of his having ever been anything but
a mythical figure.
But I'm getting away from my point.
Perhaps I am explaining this badly but, although you may find this hard to believe, during my youth TV was not considered to be 'Real', as it is today. No, seriously. We had different Channels, but they all espoused basically the same views, and TV was considered 'entertainment', not as a "reflection of Reality" as we currently know it today.
I can see you rolling your eyes again. "Sure," you're saying, "you're sane and 'we' are the ones who are crazy. Yes, you are in Nuthouse Number Nine because of a Global Conspiracy-not because you're a fucking 'yo-yo'."
I know how I must sound to you, but everything I say is true, I swear it on the Sacred Grave of Jim Baker, the Patron Saint of the Divine Tithe Spiritual Channel.
Even today, serious students of history confirm the
Before Cable era as a time when my generation truly believed in
and followed the dictates of societies and governments based on
geographical, racial and religious paradigms.
The history books refer to the people of this age as 'savages'
who were ignorant of the Reality of the Divine Illumination that
began to germinate in the First Great TV Era, and which began
to blossom in the Second. They speak of the ignorant resistance
of the 'Book Learners' who clung stubbornly to their outdated
ways, struggling savagely against the birth of the New Reality,
clinging to geographical cliques, and resisting the group mindset
of the Channel that evolution itself was spurring them towards.
But I was there-at the receding of the old era and the dawn of the new. And I tell you unequivocally that we were as intellectually certain and sure of our beliefs, our governments, our cultures, our religions, our societies and our 'reality' as I am sure that you are today of whatever societal or government system that reigns during your lifetime.
I was born shortly after the Genesis of TeleVision.
We were told, and honestly believed, that it was an 'invention',
something 'created' by man, and not the other way around.
We still revered 'Gods' like Jehovah, Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha
and Krishna. To deny the Unitary Oath that "TV Is Real"
was not even considered blasphemous during that era. As a matter
of fact, at that point in time the Unitary Oath was considered
ridiculous and those professing it were deemed hardly worthy of
scorn, much less punishment.
We had Satan, the Devil, who was considered the opponent of God,
or Jehovah. The Evil One and Gomez, as well as Cron and the rest
of the Dark Allies, were considered fairy tales that were made
up by the beguiled to frighten the witless.
Yes, yes, I know. You think me a blathering old fool
who belongs in a Museum of Antiquity, next to the automobiles
which mythology tells us were powered by the decaying remains
of great mystical beasts called 'dinosaurs'.
But I was there. I was there during the time of the Great Change,
when The First Great TV Era gave way to the Computer Era, which
itself rapidly succumbed to the Second Great Age of WebTV.
I was there. I saw it all, I remember it all, and I am not 'mad'. I am not…I am not…I am not.
Breasts
Bubba awoke from his 'nap' the minute that the young man was gone.
"Well, you certainly seemed to take more of a shine to this Jonathan fellow than to most of the other young men who come around."
"No," Alexis responded casually, "it's just that
he wore his pants so low that I had a lot of trouble getting his
wallet." She handed it to Bubba under the table and he slipped
it into an inner pocket of his robe.
"Besides, I think I'm in love with the Cowboy."
"Oh,?", Bubba feigned surprise, "Are you telling me that my closest and dearest friend is also my main rival in my pursuit of your affections?"
"Bubba, you know that I'm 'too much woman' for just one man.", Alexis giggled like a schoolgirl (which, in fact, she was, when not hanging out in bars with lecherous old men long-rumored to lean towards pedophilia).
Bubba smiled at her youthful bravado in proclaiming herself to
be a 'woman of the world'-which reminded him,
"And when did you turn thirteen? Did I miss the 'big day'
of your entry into 'teenage-hood', or whatever it's called?"
"Oh, I'm not thirteen for another three weeks yet. I just
thought that I'd better practice a little, beforehand, so that
I can be good at being a teenager."
Alexis sat for a few moments, lost in contemplation of her new
love, before continuing,
"Cowboy is always staring at my eyes; he makes my eyes feel
beautiful. I don't think he's even noticed that I have
breasts.", she said, pouting just the slightest little bit.
"If he hasn't noticed," Bubba replied, looking
the young lady up and down with his best, lecherous grin, "then
I think he could be declared legally blind."
"BUBBA!"
Bubba didn't have to look up to know that Alexis's mother had arrived.
"I saw the way that you were looking at my daughter! Keep your damn hands in your pockets, if you know what's good for you."
"Not to worry, Priscilla," Bubba told her as she bent to give him a kiss on the cheek, "it seems that she yearns for another, that my quest for her affections has come to naught."
"And who is the lucky boy?", Priscilla teased her daughter.
Alexis and Bubba answered in unison, saying,
"The Cow-boy."
"Lordy, lordy." Priscilla raised her eyes to the sky, in apology. "What kind of mother am I, raising my daughter around the likes of you two 'rounders'?"
"She's worried that the Cowboy hasn't noticed that she has breasts," Bubba volunteered, making it sound like a matter of great import.
"Lordy, girl. If he hasn't, then we'd better check him for a pulse, because your boobs were bigger than mine when you were turning eleven, girlie. And he sure enough has been trying to get his hands on mine."
"They're breasts, mother, not 'boobs'." Alexis always got perturbed with her mother's lack of social etiquette in Bubba's presence."
"Well, excuse me, young lady. Just take my word for it that he has noticed your breasts. Trust me on this, I have a hunch about it."
"Well," Alexis said, looking back in remembrance, "I
guess maybe you're right." She paused for dramatic effect,
as any mature 'woman of the world' would do when recounting the
brighter moments of her 'love life.'
"After all, on my eleventh birthday, he did pinch
me on the buttocks and say, 'Oh, to be thirty-five, again.'"
"Lawdy, lawdy, Miss Clawdy." Priscilla swore (an epitaph passed down through the Masters of Antiquity), "When I die, I'm going to go straight down to the abode of the Evil One, for the company that I let you keep."
"Actually," Bubba broke in, changing the subject slightly,
"she did kind of take a shine to a younger fellow who dropped
in to visit a short while ago."
Bubba slipped Priscilla the wallet from beneath his robe. She
nodded, and placed it in her purse.
"Well, I certainly hope that my darling Alexis didn't tease the poor boy too much. Honestly, I think she enjoys flaunting her body in front of these men to distract them. She's been a regular Lolita, lately."
Alexis just smiled like a Cheshire cat. She did, indeed, still enjoy toying with that 'special power' she found out that she had-the power to make both boys and grown men stutter and drool on themselves in their efforts to please and impress her. After all, if you 'have it', then you might as well put it to use for a good purpose.
"I'll see that someone goes by tonight to return the young man's wallet and have a chat with him." Priscilla told Bubba in a quiet voice.
"You might go see him yourself, mother." Alexis couldn't resist saying. "He's kind of cute, and I've already got him warmed up for you."
"Honestly, girl. You'd think I was a strumpet, just doing this to take advantage of the young men that come through here to meet Bubba."
"Well…?" Alexis grinned at her mother.
"Well, what?", Priscilla said, knowing she was trapped.
"Well, what about that nice young man, Benjamin that you enlisted last week? I seem to remember the sun being up well before you came home the next morning.", Alexis grinned wickedly, knowing her mother had no escape from the facts, as established.
"Well…Well, never mind. End of story."
Alexis, relishing her mother's embarrassment, merely sat silently, grinning like the Cheshire cat. Bubba, however, thought now was a good time to bring up a delicate matter that would sooner or later need to be addressed. He began lightly enough.
"It seems to me, Priscilla, that if you are helping to enlighten the younger generation to the benefits of maturity in choosing a lover, that you could hardly complain, should Cowboy choose to do the same."
Priscilla was not in the least nonplused by Bubba's attempt to
corner her with questionable logic.
"Bubba, I limit myself to moving downward just a single generation
for my sexual pleasures, though I'm sure that you find that concept
a bit hard to understand. Besides, I've taught Alexis that she
should breed only within her species, which puts you out
of the picture, and outside of my circle of suitors, which puts
the Cowboy out of the picture."
Bubba was grateful that she had given him precisely the kind of
opening he needed to pursue the point he was really angling to
raise.
"I believe what may be more pertinent than the 'picture'
that the Cowboy may be 'in' or 'out of', is the puzzling picture
I believe he is 'seeing' when he gazes upon your beautiful young
daughter, my dear lady."
"Bubba! Surely you don't mean…", but Priscilla knew that was precisely what Bubba meant.
"Your lovely pre-pubescent offspring is enamored of the fact
that, despite her strikingly healthy physical endowments, the
Cowboy seems to look only into her eyes, with great appreciation
thereof.
"I would suggest, however, that his gaze is encompassing
a range much deeper than Alexis could possibly imagine, and that
what he sees there leaves him dazed and confused.
"When was the last time you are aware of the Cowboy becoming
'dazed and confused' as a result of reading one's inner aura?"
Priscilla merely sat, dumbfounded, staring first and Bubba, and then at Alexis.
Chapter 5 - Unitary Oath / Chapter 6 - Breasts