Stuff Your Momma Never Told You...

[News of the Normal <norm@dev.null>]

CLOSET STATISTICS DON'T LIE

*Statistics International reports that since gays have come out of the
 closet, snap counts in football have increased an average of 40% in 
 length (up to 70% when either the center or quarterback is named
 'Bruce'.) This figure increases astronomically in College football, 
 in cases where the center is a freshman and the quarterback is a senior
 who is a member of NAMBLA. (North American Man-Boy Love Association)

HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY BOOTSRAPS...???

*Recent revelations revolving 'round revisionist recorrections indicate
 that Horatio Alger died in poverty after the S&L where his funds were 
 deposited collapsed, the head of his pension fund was indicted, his
 former employer could no longer afford to support his 'lifetime' health
 insurance benefits, and Chelsea Clinton robbed him to buy crack cocaine
 as part of her homework for a Stanford 'History of Ebonics' class.

IT'S A TOUGH WAY TO MAKE A LIVING

*NEWS OF THE WEIRD, a nationally syndicated newspaper column founded in
 1988, and distributed by Universal Press Syndicate has finally run its
 course, and will be discontinued in the near future.
 A disappointed Chuck Shepherd told reporters, "I could see that the
 end was coming when President Reagan's statement that 'trees cause 
 more pollution than automobiles' became mainstream news."
 Shepherd went on to say, "I can no longer compete with the regular
 news when citizens are getting toilet plungers stuck up their ass
 every day, parabolically speaking. I've heard that Clinton, Reno and
 Freeh are now a serious threat to the comedy industry, as well. Who
 is going to be foolish enough to pay for our products when they can
 get material of greater quality and quantity free on C-Span and the
 front page of the Washington Post?"


AUTHENTICITY:  All news stories mentioned in News of the
Normal are just shit we make up (or occasionally, get from
supermarket tabloids in other countries or other 
disreputable magazines and journals).  No so-called 
reputable news source, and no story that was not intended
to spread FUD (Fear, Uncertainty and Disinformation) is 
ever the source of a News of the Normal story. 

News of the Normal is not copyrighted by anyone who would
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