[NOISE] sign-off instructions

[Dave Del Torto <ddt@lsd.com>]

[author unknown, fwds elided]

Uni, take note... Might make an amusing periodic auto-post to the clueless
list. ;)

   dave

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"HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE"

This is what you need to do.  Please read these instructions carefully
before beginning.

tools needed:
  one Hammer
  one scredriver
  one pair of pliers
  one heavy-duty pair of wire cutters
  one bucket of saline water
  a box of sani-wipes

Step #1: Stop payment on any checks that you may have sent to your Internet
Service Provider (GOD).

Step #2: If GOD is unresponsive and you are still receiving mail from this
list, you will need to find the "mailhost". This is a machine usually
located in a locked office. Every day around noon, the mailman will deliver
a box of diskettes with that day's mail messages, including yours from this
list, to this machine. Typically, only a handful of people have keys to the
"mailhost". The reason why this machine is locked up is because this is
typically the best, fastest, most powerful computer at your facility and
the people with keys don't want to share it. If you must, break or pry the
door down with one (1) hammer (you did get all the tools needed?).

Step #3: Find the ON/OFF switch for this machine. Using the pliers, set the
switch to the OFF position by tugging downwards until the disposable
plastic switch breaks away from the computer casing. Discard the disposable
plastic switch in an environmental-friendly manner. This will alert the
mailman to not deliver the diskettes with the messages to the "mailhost"
not unlike the little red flag found on mailboxes. This should resolve your
mail problem immediately.

Step #4: You may experience a recurrence of mail within 72 hours. If this
should happen, you will need to disable the "mailhost" once again with more
forceful measures. Repeat Step #2. Don't be suprised if there is a sturdier
door in place than the one you destroyed previously. This is due to the
fact that the "Have Key" clique found out that someone has seen their
private stash of computer equipment.

Step #5: After you have once again regained entry into the "mailhost" room,
open up the back of the "mailhost". There may be a large tv-like device on
top of the "mailhost" You will need to remove this first. Take your wire
cutters, and cut any cables binding the tv-like device to the "mailhost".
Set the tv-like device to the side. With your screwdriver, remove each and
every screw that you can find on the "mailhost". Once this is done, the
"mailhost" should break away into two or more pieces.

Step #5: Find a large box with a fan attached to it. It will be clearly
marked with the following labels: "Danger" "High Voltage" "Do not open - no
user-servicable parts". Don't worry, these labels are merely in place to
satisfy OSHA requirements and you are not in any danger at all. Take the
bucket of saline water and pour it into any vents or ports that the large
box may have. Any extra water should be poured directly into the computer
chassis, be sure to properly soak each and every component.

Step #6: In the event of fire (OSHA has been known to be right on
occassion), douse any flames with the sani-wipes.

This solution is provided without warranty. It is not bio-degradable or
fat-free. In the event of sudden death, contact a physician immediately.