[Humor] Kennedy's New Legislation

[Eric Cordian <emc@wire.insync.net>]

Something amusing from alt.true-crime with definite crypto parallels
to certain Swinestein and Freeh initiatives.  It is rare to find
material that rises to the Toto level of comedy on Usenet.
 
-----
 
Newsgroups: alt.true-crime
Subject: Kennedy Death Spurs Legislative Initiative
Date: Fri, 02 Jan 1998 22:44:03 GMT
Message-ID: <68jrg6$eil@dfw-ixnews6.ix.netcom.com>
 
BOSTON, Mass. (AP) - Sen. Ted Kennedy announced here today that he
will introduce a bill limiting access to skis and ski poles. The
"Winter Sports Safety Bill" is believed to be a reaction to the recent
death of the Senator's nephew Michael Kennedy in a skiing accident.
 
"When skis were invented, they were made out of wood," Kennedy said.
"Today's skis are simply to powerful and dangerous to be in the hands
of people. There is no constitutional right to skiing. We feel that
people will have to sacrifice some of their freedoms for the
protection of society as a whole."
 
One provision will license all dealers in skis. These licenses will
involve fingerprinting, background checks, body cavity searches, and
photographs of anybody wishing to be in the business of selling skis
and ski poles.
 
Another section of the bill bans any ski pole under 36" in length and
any ski which is not at least 48" in length.
 
The bill also addresses ski wax. Studies have shown that some waxes
actually make the skis go faster, creating a greater danger of death
to the skier. Skiers also use the faster skis to outrun the ski
patrol, which is not an acceptable practice.
 
A five day waiting period will be required for all ski and ski pole
sales.  People will be required to provide their social security
number and floor plan of their homes before being permitted to
purchase skis.
 
"There are simply too many people getting excited about skiing. Easy
access to skis is the major reason people get killed on those things.
They should have to wait before they can pick up their skis. I am sure
that this 'cooling off period' will save lives," Kennedy said.
 
Another bill has been introduced that will ban 'ski carrying devices'
on tops of cars that have a capacity of greater than ten skis.
 
"There is simply no reason why anybody needs more than ten skis. You
can't ski on more than two at the same time. People with more than ten
skis are simply up to no good," said Kennedy.
 
Statistics quoted by the Center for Disease Control show that skiing
was second only to drowning as the leading cause of death for people
close to the Kennedy family.
 
OTHER RELATED STORIES:
 
  - Ted Kennedy Denies Driving Michael to Aspen.
  - Study Links Skiing to Suicides.
  - Clinton Calls for Restrictions on "Cop Killer" Ski Poles.
  - Washington DC to Buy Back Skis for $2 Each.
  - Dianne Feinstein Vows Defeat for the National Skiing Association.

--
Eric Michael Cordian 0+
O:.T:.O:. Mathematical Munitions Division
"Do What Thou Wilt Shall Be The Whole Of The Law"