Northpole Standoff

[Robert Hettinga <rah@shipwright.com>]

--- begin forwarded text


Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 15:28:40 -0800
To: rah@shipwright.com, Other People...
From: Somebody
Subject: Northpole Standoff


Dec. 23, 1994
Northpole Standoff

A fierce battle ended in a stand-off today as a multi-jurisdictional task
force of federal law enforcement agents tried to arrest the leader of a
militant doomsday cult, who call themselves "Elves," living in a heavily
fortified compound at the Northpole. According to witnesses, federal agents
hid in livestock trailers as they drove up to the compound.

The approach was difficult in the snow using wheeled vehicles. Several
agents were reportedly thrown from the trailer when it hit a snowbank. The
agents were unable to use dog teams and sleds because the ATF agents shot
all the dogs during training at a nearby recreational facility where agents
had practiced for weeks on a mock-up of the compound in preparation for the
raid.

As three National Guard helicopters approached, over 100 law officers
stormed the main compound, a heavily fortified gingerbread structure,
throwing concussion grenades and screaming "Come out!" Cult members and law
officers negotiated a cease-fire about 45 minutes after the incident began.

For the next several hours, ambulances and helicopters swarmed the
premises. The area was cordoned off and ATF agents with machine guns were
posted in the roadways to keep reporters at least two miles from the main
battle area.

In a lengthy report on the group Saturday, The Northpole Tribune-Herald
said that the cult was known to have a large arsenal of high-powered
weapons, probably produced in a workshop disguised as a "toy factory." This
toy factory is also believed to be the sight of a mephamphetamine
laboratory, according to sources inside the ATF.

The article quoted investigators as saying the crazed cult leader, who uses
several aliases, "Santa Claus," "Saint Nick," "Sinterclaas," and "Saint
Nicholas," age unknown, has abused children and claims to have at least 15
wives. Santa Claus denies these accusations of abuse and said he has had
only one wife, Mrs.
Santa Claus.

Authorities had a warrant to search the Northpole compound for guns and
explosive devices and an arrest warrant for its leader, Santa Claus, said
Mess Stanford of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms in Washington,
D.C. Mr. Stanford added it would be useless to attempt to get a copy of
this warrant, however, because it had been sealed, "for national security
reasons."

The assault came one day after the Northpole Tribune-Herald began
publishing a series on the cult, quoting former members as saying the
deranged cult leader, Santa Claus, abused children and had at least 15
wives.

ATF spokesman Jack Killchildren in Washington said the assault had been
planned for several weeks, although he added, "I think the newspaper's
investigation set up heightened tension."

The cult's fortress, called "The Toy Factory," is dominated by a tower with
lookout windows facing in all directions. Guards reportedly patrol the
77-acre grounds at night.

Attorney General Janet Reno ordered the raid after cult members refused to
surrender documents relating to national security. A source inside the
Justice Department said that the documents were lists of cabinet members
and highly placed government officials who were naughty or nice. Despite
preliminary, secret negotiations to obtain the list, the Elves refused to
surrender the document to the Justice Department.

The raid was scheduled for December 23, because December 25 is believed to
be a traditional cult holiday and all the militant elves would be engaged
in cult rituals in preparation for the event.

At a press conference this afternoon, Attorney General Reno said, "These
militants abuse children in the most vile manner, by teaching them to
expect charity. They have even distributed free, working replicas of
'assault weapons' and 'handguns.' It is a matter of dire importance to our
future and the future of all our children, that this peril be ended by
every means at our disposal."

She went on to say that "I do not want to surround the compound and shoot
everyone and then burn it to the ground in order to prevent this child
abuse from occurring again, but that appears to be our only alternative."

According to Reno, the "Toy Factory" itself is a sweatshop and conditions
inside were horrendous. The Department of Justice is also looking into
allegations of animal cruelty. Former members of the cult have claimed that
Santa Claus frequently uses leather restraints on at least eight reindeer,
housed in sordid conditions on the compound. Witnesses reported seeing a
reindeer with a protruding red nose, which Janet Reno said was further
indication of the abusive conditions inside the compound.

Several of the elves were reported by the BATF to have been carrying
automatic weapons. However, independent sources dispute this, claiming that
the "automatic weapons" were nothing more than large candy canes.

ATF leader Ted Oyster, shaken after the ordeal, spoke to reporters as
hundreds of agents, many of them in tears, were taken away from the
Northpole in military airlifts, ambulances, and private vehicles.

"We had our plan down, we had our diversion down, and they were waiting..."
Oyster said resignedly, shaking his head.

A hospital spokesman said that most of the wounded ATF agents appeared to
be suffering from shrapnel wounds from broken candy canes, as well as
frostbite, apparently suffered from wearing forest-green camouflage in the
wintry terrain.

Attorney General Reno offered no comment on these reports.

Mack "the knife" McWarty was seen strolling across the White House lawn,
chuckling to himself as he read what inside sources say was a copy of the
naughty/nice list.

One highly placed government official was found dead in Marcy Park. His
name and the cause of death are unknown at this time, however, the White
House immediately issued a statement claiming the official had committed
suicide after learning his name was not on the nice list.

Patsy Thomahawk refused to comment on the advice of her attorney on whether
she had any part in removing copies of the naughty/nice list from a safe in
the White House.

A spokesman from the MJTF said that it was indeed a tragedy that Santa
Claus had caused this confrontation, but this should be a lesson to anyone
who tries to give to everyone without permission from the welfare
department, and that gathering sensitive data without a permit from
official sources will be stopped by any means.

FBI spokesman Bob Pricks, the former national Abortion Poster Child of
1944, relayed that "We are dealing with a madman. We have cut off all
electricity, water, and communications to the compound.

Santa Claus has demanded that we relay a message to the world. It reads,
'Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.' FBI psychological experts
are presently analyzing the message, however, preliminary reports indicate
this is an encrypted threat to invade the neighboring towns near the
Northpole. It may also be a doomsday message that the cult intends to
commit suicide, like Jonestown."

Shortly after the raid, a smiling Reno was seen strolling through the pile
of rubbish looking for anatomically correct Barbie dolls. She claimed that
she was going to confiscate any that she found as "evidence" and that they
were for a personal investigation that she was conducting.

Attorney General Reno also disclosed some information about plans to raid
Mr. E. Ster Bunny sometime next spring. According to the FBI's report on
Mr. Bunny, he has been hoarding food all year. This is in direct violation
of a secret Presidential Directive. "This ingratitude for everything that
we have done will stop, even if it means raiding every house in the USA to
enforce these new laws that were made to insure your freedom...." Reno
said.

This, boys and girls, should make us all sleep just a little bit better
tonight. The government will protect us from overindulging in freedom. If
they didn't step in and take control of that "naughty/nice" list, just
think what shape we might be in.....
*****


<somebody's .sig>

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-----------------
Robert A. Hettinga <mailto: rah@philodox.com>
Philodox Financial Technology Evangelism <http://www.philodox.com/>
44 Farquhar Street, Boston, MA 02131 USA
"... however it may deserve respect for its usefulness and antiquity,
[predicting the end of the world] has not been found agreeable to
experience." -- Edward Gibbon, 'Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire'