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Cypherpunk Enquirer [NOISE]
THE CYPHERPUNK ENQUIRER
"Encyphering minds want to know."
The EFF announced an agreement with the Clinton administration that will
"guarantee Americans rights to privacy and anonymity on the Internet for
the forseeable future". The agreement, which includes unspecified
concessions by the President on matters of encryption, privacy, and the
export of encryption programs, is to be signed today in the White House
Rose Garden. An EFF official, who wished to remain anonymous, chortled,
"We got basically what we wanted, and all we had to do was give up
Cellular One today announced the signing of noted Cypherpunk Tim May as their
official Internet spokesperson. Mr. May will be filming a series of
commercials featuring himself in a hot tub calling a variety of 1-900
numbers on a cellular phone, while a voice-over by Cellular One executives
extoles their recently announced 'Geek Plan', featuring free calls during
computer hacker's normal waking hours of 7pm to 7am, with all calls to pizza
parlors for delivery half-price for the first year. The commercials, the
first to be filmed entirely in the 'quick-time' format, should be appearing
on commercial web pages within the month.
The Cypherpunk Academy of Codes and Cyphers has announced the first official
offshoot of the Cypherpunks list. The Junior Auxillary, anchored by the
new mailing list [email protected], will give budding hackers the chance
to get out of the house and hear famous Cypherpunks like Bill Stewart
and Robert Hettinga lecture on topics such as "The Port 25 Hack - Fact or
Fiction", "Hacking the Transmitter on Your Ankle Bracelet", and "SPAM -
Cypherbabes are Impressed by a REALLY BIG One." To join, send a message
with the body "subscribe cyphertots" to [email protected]
(note to juno.com - we don't do personals)
In related news, John Young will be tutoring Dr. Dimitri Vulis in English
as a Second Language.
Scientists flocked to toad.com recently in response to the first authenticated
sighting of a Perrygram in months. The Perrygram, only recently thought
extinct, was spotted on the cypherpunks mailing list after an
absence of several months. Specialists speculate that it may have detected
the recent list increase in its favorite food - pure, unadulterated bullshit.
The Reputation Capital markets remained in a deep slump after the recent
closings of alpha.c2.org and anon.penet. Analysists estimate the loss in
over 1 billion in reputation capital, with the effect spilling over to the
rest of the market. Since the loss of anon.penet, Black Unicorn is down
12 5/8, Atilla down 4 3/4 to 8 1/2, Jim Ray is down 10, and Tim May, as
usual, is being investigated by the Blacknet Securities and Exchange
Commission for his timely shorting of Lucky Green.
Novell President Joe Marengi announced today that Novell would begin
bundling Microsoft's Internet Explorer with Novell Netware in the third
quarter. In return, Microsoft announced plans to release his 8 year old
daughter Suzanne unharmed.
Next in the Enquirer: HIDE THE KIDS! FIRE UP SURFWATCH! Sandy Sandfort's
latest party - WE HAVE MPEGS!