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Star Trek and Microsoft (fwd)





---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1998 20:35:34 -0500
X-Loop: openpgp.net
From: Christopher Baker <[email protected]>
Reply-To: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Star Trek and Microsoft

Star Trek and Microsoft...

<Picard> 
"Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your 
attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And 
Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command 
pathways?"

<Geordi>
"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by
searching  
through our archives on late Twentieth-century
computing 
technology."

<Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the 
computer screen.>

<Riker looks puzzled.> 
"What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

<Data turns to answer.> 
"Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for
some 
reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command 
pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will 
begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable 
rate."

<Picard> 
"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they
alter their 
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

<Data> 
"Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it
creates 
a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use
of 
resources increases exponentially with each iteration.
 
The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough.  
Eventually all of their processing ability will be
taken over, 
and none will be available for their normal
operational 
functions."

<Picard> 
"Excellent work. This is even better than that 
'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

.. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

<Data> 
"Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' 
in the command unit and as expected it immediately 
consumed 85% of all resources. We however have 
not received any confirmation of the expected
'upgrade'"

<Geordi> 
"Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg 
storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we 
still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate 
for their increase."

<Picard> 
"Data, scan the history banks again and determine if 
their is something we have missed."

<Data> 
"Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in
the '
upgrade'.  Apparently the Borg have circumvented that 
part of the plan by not sending in their registration
cards.

<Riker> 
"Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to 
begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

<Geordi, excited> 
"Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has 
suddenly dropped to 0%!"

<Picard> 
"Data, what does your scanners show?"

<Data> 
"Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' 
module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the 
CPU capacity."

<Picard> 
"Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can
reduce 
their functionality."

.. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

<Riker> 
"Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

<Geordi> 
"As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer 
to compensate for increased CPU and storage 
demands, but each time they successfully increase 
resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor 
beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from 
something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

<Picard> 
"How much time will that buy us ?"

<Data> 
"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate 
an interest time span of 6 more hours."

<Geordi> 
"Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

<Picard> 
"Identify."

<Data> 
"It appears to have markings very similar to the 
'Microsoft' logo."

<Over the speakers> 
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT
FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY.  WE HAVE POSITIVE 
CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE 
IN THIS SECTOR.  SURRENDER ALL ASSETS, AND 
WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 
SECONDS."

<Data> 
"The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches 
and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

<Picard> 
"Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft."

<Riker> 
"Good Grief, captain! Those are humans floating 
straight toward the Borg ship with no life support
suits! 
How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"

<Data> 
"I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you
will 
look closer I believe you will see that they are
carrying 
something recognized by twenty-first century man as 
doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits."

<Riker and Picard together horrified> 
"Lawyers!!"

<Geordi> 
"It can't be.  All the Lawyers were rounded up and
sent 
hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great
Awakening."

<Data> 
"True, but apparently some must have survived."

<Riker> 
"They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering 
it with all types of papers."

<Data> 
"I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red 
tape' it often proves fatal."

<Riker> 
"They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

<Picard> 
"Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not
even 
the Borg deserve that." 
~~~~~

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Ultimately, education is about our place in the universe, our
place in it. The bigger that connection, the bigger our lives
and dreams. Through what we take to know and understand,
we can be as immense as the milky way--glorious indeed."
--Grace Llewellyn, _Teenage Liberation Handbook_
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chris Baker -- [email protected], [email protected]
"If you keep looking back, you'll lose your momentum."

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